WTF

I am going to confess something here, I haven't done a true cold approach in over a month. For the past month I've been coming into one of my wing's sets, or I have been opening sets that are basically begging to be opened (they run into me or whatever), and even then I rarely do it. I am so crippled by AA, although I'm not sure it's anxiety exactly. When I think about approaching I do not get an intense feeling, or voices in my head really. Instead, it's like there is this 1000 pound weight on me and I just can't move.

What the fuck is this?! I am so frustrated. At least two years ago when I was going out and drinking I was having a good time. Now when I go out I rarely enjoy myself, I envy all those drunk people having the time of their lives. Yes, I understand what I am doing has a great payoff, but I am so fucking frustrated that I can not approach.

Why this change? Well, to begin with I was never an approach machine, to be honest. Last semester I did approach, not often but I would approach a few sets a nite. Now, I can't seem to approach anymore. I feel like I have built this false identity of who I am, not an identity of a PUA but of someone who is to cool to be blown out. Where I got this I have no fucking clue.

My one wing called me and my other wing out, who coincidentally is having the same problem. He was frustrated with us, basically saying "WTF, why aren't you guys approaching anymore?". In fact, he ended up leaving early. I have lots of respect for that guy, regardless of the fact he banters too much, he is an APPROACH MACHINE. The guy has opening down, it's no big deal to this guy.

I finally understand the quote in Fight Club where Tyler Durden says "Self-improvement is masturbation, what we're after is self-destruction." That sums up exactly what I must do, I must self-destruct my identity. Fine, I might go up to girls and mess up all nite long and others will look down upon me perhaps, SO WHAT. If I do that I will be getting better and I am the only one I care about. Jesus I am so frustrated. I am seriously consider looking into doing Demonic Confidence, even though I always said I didn't need to do something that drastic. Perhaps it is time for something like that...